Tag: comedy

Hello, I’d like to exchange my Overeating for some Overdrinking please.

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Since family time and Holidays are upon us, I wanted to explore the toggling of addictions or behaviors.

: toggling

  1. 1.COMPUTING switch from one effect, feature, or state to another by using a toggle.”the play/pause button toggles between those functions”
  2. 2.provide or fasten with a toggle or toggles.”our horses were hobbled or toggled before they were turned out to graze”

One of my favorites was swapping out my binge eating for bingeing alcohol. It worked like a charm!

Beer served to satiate me so I ate less. In fact, I just drank first and then if there was any room left, I may have some food. But not usually.

Since I was often in a buzz, I didn’t feel my body as much and actually found it more attractive through the alcohol lense.

I repeated this festive behavior over and over, continued to lose weight , and didn’t really experience hangovers till about 8 years in.

I have recently launched a podcast with focuses on overeating but can be applied to all the “Overs.

Available on Apple, Anchor, Spotify, etc

https://anchor.fm/alexandra-hoover

The episodes are short, less than 15 minutes. So please take a listen if you’d like to a voice to go with these words.

I’ve listed a lovely before and after photo. The first at 19-20 years old , the second at 50 something, after I stopped both binge behaviors (mostly).

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts if you are on or off the struggle. We are not Alone. Mostly.

Hi Grief, thanks for calling! I’m just gonna put you on hold for 22 years

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I talk a lot about processing feelings but Grief is its own creature. Its is a beautiful beast.

To Those of us that have picked up addictive or compulsive behavior to avoid trauma or grief:

I congratulate you. You are here. You chose life.

BINGE-ING on alcohol and food was an effective dam for avoiding the flood of grief.

Hoover Dam Night | Places to see, Places to visit, Places to travel

Now I don’t really binge on those behaviors much, so guess who’s come a knockin!

The ignored, avoided, neglected Grief of My father’s death.

It’s not waiting any longer. After 22 years, it’s summoning me.

In my experience, Grief is a Russian Doll in Reverse. It gets bigger, not smaller, as you close in on its heart.

And as pictured below, the Heart has eyelashes.

photo Russian Semenov Nesting dolls

TIP: Before you get to the Main Event of Grief, you may have to butter up the gatekeeper dragons.

The dragons that guard grief are just doing their job.

beautiful dragons pictures - YouTube

So I dropped my armor and told these Gatekeeper dragons that they were fierce and stunning. I vowed that I would follow them on social media.

I gave them my attention. I thanked them. They ate that up. They didn’t leave. But they laid down. I walked past them freely.

Then I saw Grief. She had been waiting for me in this bathtub for all that time.

And she still looked fine AF.

Art by H.Minh

As she creeped into my body, She was gentle but HEAVY. Heavier than she looked.

I saw the year 1996 when my father got diagnosed with lung cancer (non smoker) and how that set me off on a path of multi-layered addiction. I saw that I had lost faith in the God of everything at that moment. I remembered how my Binging and OVEReating stopped and my UNDER eating began. I was unable to take anything in. This was my illusion of control.

Some people may call it anorexia.

With the goth super-model of Grief still swirling inside me, I discovered that under the water of sadness, there was ANGER.

She knew that revelation was enough for today and swam out of me.

Grief told me, though not thru words, that she’d see me Tuesday.

So I continue my grieving process in my time. I write, laugh, compliment dragons. Luckily I have a lot of free time. Because I don’t think this is something you can short-cut. Do I wish I would have done this earlier? Absolutely.

I now have a standing appointment with Grief. It’s there and there is no cancelation fee. Make yours today!

Resentment was the new Orange Former Resentment Vampire

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I went to the DRIVE IN with my mask and boyfriend in July.

We saw RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Impeccable casting.

I had forgotten how resentful Karen Allen/Marion is at Indiana Jones/Harrison Ford in the bar scene.

“What you did to me! To my life!” she wails.

That surprised me. Marion was written as such a warrior and then, after 10 years of living a new life for her to say that? To blame him after 10 years?

There is no Expiration date on Resentment. It’ll keep.

Resentment, Victimhood, Grudge, Aversion.

Delicious.

Immediately Delivers the sweet burn. And then its gone and you need some more kindling to keep your resent-a fire burnin.

I’m not going to write the poison metaphor; you already know it.

I was dope sick on resentment against her and him and that and them. Then I graduated from that/thems and just resented MYSELF. Its seemed somehow a higher Art.

So I dove into the resentment of self since 2016 or so. I’ve done some writing, some facing, some weeping. I’ve done work. I gave myself a very small ration of compassion. Wouldn’t do it that way again.

But behold! Today in August 2020, most of the sweet shock of Resentment has fizzled. Not the same snap or high. Its not as catch-my-breath adrenalized as it once was. Some days I can still get roided up on R but its less and less because I’m onto myself. And you cant un-know once you know.

This is what I know: My Resentment (not my discernment -thats a different post) seems to be a False Flag. Sometimes. Not always. But a lot. This still surprises me.

Example: I have a writing deadline or I have to study something. Or Maybe before it was a social thing. Its a dry ,un-fun seeming, scary task. I don’t want to do it. I want to go home.

No problem. I can convert that “don’t wanna ” into a scraggly resentment to distract from the drudge. So SNAP! And now I’m in a spin about how old I am and how many years I wasted on: compulsive eating, being hung-over, in fear, giving fucks, over spending etc, etc. What a waste of years. I really resent myself hard. It’s over for me. Nothing charming will ever happen to me again.

Uh huh. I’m not buying it. On a clear day I (aha!) catch myself in the fake spin and realize: this ick feeling is perhaps not what I think. Is it possible I am wasting more time right now thinking about how much time I wasted?

To myself I ask: “What if I give you a full 30 minutes to ruminate on how awful you are after you do this task before you.”
Audible exhale. “Fine.”

I still relish in the Resentment DuJour. I just don’t marinate. I don’t live to swim the waters. I live on land but occasionally need to jump in once in a while to give a nostalgic shock to my system.

photo from “The Only Lovers Left Alive”

AA told me I wasn’t sober. No more fight. Got on new Flight.

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I smoke pot. Maybe 5-10 times a year. 1 to 2 hits. I don’t count because it’s not a problem. I don’t think about it. I don’t plan for it. I went pot shopping to moss covered dispensaries and didn’t buy if nothing appealed. My life does not suffer in any way. On the contrary, I can gain perspective and lose compulsive thought.

I use CBD. It helps the writing arm and many other things.

I am also on prozac. I meditate. Process most of my feelings instead of getting them on you. Have lost 40lbs and kept it off since my 20s. I have looked at me. Am I saying this so you’ll think Im “good”.? Probably.

I went 5 years no alcohol, and now prefer not to drink, but I can if I so choose. Because unlike cannabis, alcohol has on many occasions, leveled me.

I may lose 5 of every 10 followers for this post *, but then again, maybe Im not hip to the new collective perceptions. If you read my other posts , you’ll read there are things I love and long for in AA meetings. Like PINE for. However, a lot of AA meetings announce “We ask that you do not share if you have had a mind altering substance in the past 24 hours”

That seems ridiculous. No one would be sharing If the rule were followed. And psychotropics like Prozac are mind altering.

“AHA! You ingested SUGAR and prozac!, No share for you!”

“Is that cortisol in your Blood stream ? No Share! “

” Is that caffeine, SILENCIO!”

Where I go to meetings, the overarching belief is that if you smoke weed at all or ingest THC , or other cousins, you are not sober. Well I feel Sober AF. More emotionally sober for talking about this. That has to be enough for me.

Oh and here’s a blurb about Bill Wilsons awakening experience with LSD.

In deference to AA, They still contend “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. ” But it feels like that’s just a script when compared with what I hear from members at meetings.

Can you tell I really want AA to change so I can be in it again ? Well I’m probably not going to pull that off. \So I’ll just write about it time to time. AA was one of the things that changed the trajectory of my life. And with that I am taking off my alcoholic hat. It feels lonely but breezy. I no longer identify as an alcoholic but do believe alcohol to be an addictive substance. I suppose that’s in line with the NIH and their AUD definition. I still offer help and service. It’s weird not to be fooling myself but I don’t want to pretend so I can be welcome in the club. This revelation only took 17 years.

Now. I do know people who have just substituted weed for alcohol. People that I cannot play board games with because they are too damn slow. That’s fine, just be on the other team and don’t slow my roll. I don’t smoke pot daily but that doesn’t mean I abhor all that do. It ‘s not for me. The same way I have a salad once in a blue moon but not daily. Some people eat Salads daily!?? Are you kidding me?

So I guess This blog really IS about defining sobriety in all areas for oneself using empirical data.

As always, Feel free to share your individual experience.

Heres a great article from the The Fix

*Yes I realize that on some platforms, I only have 10 followers.

Hi Alcohol. I came to get down. Wait. Not that kind of down.

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I came to alcohol to jump around, to unleash the spazmodic, creative, wilding energy that is my birthright. But also to quell my fear about jumping.

Jump Around Lyrics by House of Pain VIDEO HERE

Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin
I came to win, battle me that’s a sin
I won’t ever slack up, punk you better back up
Try and play the role and yo the whole crew’ll act up
Get up, stand up (c’mon!) see’mon throw your hands up
If you’ve got the feeling, jump across the ceiling
Muggs lifts a funk flow, someone’s talking junk
Yo I bust him in the eye, and then I’ll take the punk’s ho
Feelin’, funkin’, amps in the trunk and I got more rhymes
Than there’s cops at a Dunkin’ Donuts shop
Sho’ nuff, I got props
From the kids on the hill plus my mom and my pops
I came to get down, I came to get down
So get out your seat and jump around!Jump around!
Jump around!
Jump around!
Jump up, jump up and get down!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! (Everybody jump)
Jump! Jump! Jump!…

Source: LyricFind

So jumping and quelling :

So great that alcohol does both ! It calms me down enough to anesthetize the worry that jumping may or may not be the appropriate thing to do . It makes it Ok to jump, to be a jumper. To wear a jumper. To romp and wear a romper for that matter.

Alcohol told me I was a leader. No, that’s a lie. My brain told me I was a leader and alcohol let me believe it. Which was not entirely bad.

Im learning alot in this recent and literal Alcohol experiment. Courtesy of Annie Grace .

My Alcohol Dialogue number 43

ALCOHOL – Hey, thanks for drinking me. You look all glowy! I’m now in your body, did you eat?

ME: No , why would I do that?

ALCOHOL: I know, riggggght? Ok so in about 27 minutes , your going to feel me leaving , which will feel like a gradual buzz kill because it IS. That means you’ll need to make a decision .So just choose A or B and let me know when your ready. ASAP Preferably. Sorry, Im in a hurry.

ME: Of course, I wont leave you hanging.

ALCOHOL: Right you’ll only do that to yourself.

ME: What?

ALCOHOL: I love this song.

ME: I cant hear it.

ALCOHOL: So back to the choices below, Here they are .

A) Continue feeling good again from the brains homeostasis chemicals. Your sugar rise doesn’t get messed with (yet) Which means most likely: continued warmth, inner glow, euphoria. Simply continue this until you pass out or see 2 Judy Garlands when you’re watching her later on youtube. In the future, we will touch hangovers and arrested development that will come from this behavior along with less sexy and more scientific consequences.

ME: Sorry I spaced at “2 Judy Garlands”.

ALCOHOL (continues)

or B) Start to feel sad and bad. Feel the come down physically and then Brain will just look around for things to be wrong so that wrongness can match the come down and make sense.

ME: If I were leaning towards A, what are next steps?

ALCOHOL: Just have another drink before and half hour passes ( if your stomach is empty) Maybe 55 minutes if you ate . Or maybe order 2 to begin with. More Pro.

ME: and for B?

ALCOHOL; Yeah totally super cool. For B, Just like don’t have another “drink” drink. Maybe have a seltzer water I think they call it or plain water? Then go through witnessing your brain and body aching to drink, and also face some of the enhanced feelings you’ve ignored for 20-30 years. Along with the regular feelings of ” This bar is really loud and irritating”, “Im old”, “Oh wait, I’m not in a bar because of the Pandemic , so I guess I’m really loud, irritating ,old and so is the calico tabby.

ME: A. Final answer