Lions and Tigers and BARS (reopening) Oh SH!T. You know who needs this list? I do.
Trigger warning – I am trying to refrain from Alcohol only. A little Cocaine is ok. Kidding only because I don’t care for cocaine but not kidding about the Alcohol free goal.
There are so many whip-smart people who write thoughtful books and analysis on alcohol abuse. They can lovingly awaken you to the Grace and Freedom of refraining. I will list them at the bottom of the post. But for now, let’s flip it!
10 snarky, shallow reasons to stay sober at your next Bar outing.
- Sonja Morgan* -just watch RHONY and see what the progressive effects are on Lovely Sonja. I relate to almost all her needs and desperation except the Famous and Rich part. And yes I’m picking Sonya not Leah. Because thru our societal lens, mess looks worse on her and me then it does on the younger and more nubile.
- I just got fillers and botox- I don’t want to fuck this up because I’m enjoying my filled face and it ain’t cheap.
- Smarter than you-My command of the Kings English recedes when I drink . I need my sober, silver tongue. Especially when I call you out succinctly on your passive aggressive behavior.
- Hypocrite snark- For All the people that said to me “I think you’ve had enough” , “Are you ok?” or ” I can hear you” :I can’t wait to 1) arrive 1.75 hours later then the outing starts and 2) confirm your buzzed demeanor and zing you with a comment perhaps in a different language. Or trip you in your heels. Easily.
- More noble than you- I will interview you if I don’t know you. I’ll develop 4 questions to ask you that are pointed and not about your work and remember your answers. Obviously I do this anyway sober or not but rarely remember 100% of answers.
- Mock not Cock- I get to try my first or 3 Mocktails
- Discern Boring Commoners- I will know for a fact if you talk mostly about yourself or if your mother taught you to ask questions of others as well.
- Do I care ? When drinking, I cared that you thought I was ok because I couldn’t sense if I’d read the room correctly or said anything untoward. I wanted your approval stamp in the aftermath proving I behaved. Now I can be untoward with full faculty. I can decide for me what is appropriate. I can change my mind 14 times too. I can do it wrong. I can sit with the fact that I only wanted your approval not necessarily your friendship.
- Sleeker than you – I’l most likely be at a dance class tomorrow and it doesn’t have to be early or late.
- More me then you – I glide into the establishment and have an intention for myself. This is for me. Not for you. Although I just cant fathom how you wont benefit.
As promised :Books on Varieties of Sobriety :
** Sonya Morgan may be as gorgeous and flirtatious and unburdened by alcohol as ever by the time you read this.
**** Of course I’ll do another 10 reasons after a couple of outings with less meow. Im sure 2 people will look forward to that.