I am on an alcohol free EXPERIMENT. My goal at first was 3 months but I chose “the drank” at 10 months.

I will break down what happened in the head, in the body, in the saloon. Yes I went to a place that called itself a saloon. But heres a little reminder first:

My history with Alcoholics Anonymous, Buddhism, Alcohol Experiment via Annie Grace and other paths is alluded to in some earlier posts for reference. Im not new.

I had successfully lost 40 lbs or more through mindful eating, although we did not call it that in the 90s. Could I do this with drinking?

I wanted to mindfully rate this experience. If that was possible.

My drink of choice was served to me. I was with 2 other people. People who I could tolerate and enjoy without drinking. And had many times.

The first sip. Do I like the taste? It tasted good. I didn’t know I actually liked the taste of IPAs because it had been a while.

30 seconds in …..

Hey Hey I’m back in with the people! The feeling of ease. The feeling of love and tolerance for all. Except for the cold patio.

The relaxation of the physical body. Summer/ no responsibility feeling of days past. A large all over body SIGH.

Is this “ease” going to be fleeting? Right now I cant tell.

3 minutes in ….

Wow. I’m drinking more slowly than the others. My self awareness is still intact.

I asked S about his family and years in Texas, he begins telling an unusual story. I’m interested.

5 min in I’m like ……….

Neurons fire more slowly? The dumbing down of my perception happens as if somebody had placed cotton /gauze around the body’s ability to process social cues. Also I seem to be astral projecting above the situation. I’m no longer really feeling my molecular connection to these people or the Saloon. I have to will myself to be in my body. Get back!

Focus hurts. It’s all effort-y. Ugh. Wait. Which relative is the one S just mentioned who has schizophrenia? This story is not boring and I want to understand with clarity and insight. No, still the gauze.

Would I remember these names and the chronology of the story S is telling if I was undrinking?

? min in -losing track of recording time stamps…

If only we were dancing or at some place where the right brain was in use – I could handle moving, dancing on this buzz. But conversing on it felt like a chore. My processing felt delayed and I hated it. Am I slurring? No you’ve had 1/2 a beer. Can they tell I’m a light weight? I think you’re on a compulsive loop so just let it go by. Do my eyes look weird? Am I over-trying? Is anybody mad at me? Like on Earth? Is anybody against me on Planet Earth? F&ck. I want my laser mind back. Pay attention. But how am I to be mindful when Mindfulness is now cheapened? Pay attention to the cheapness. Yes. Acceptance. Not loving this.

Now I’m drinking faster then the others. But only slightly. Almost to the end of the glass. I’m nostalgic. Not depressed. This is not giving me contentment.

Drinking is letting go of me. I still want drinking to want to be with me even if I choose not to be with it.

And This is only 1 mindful BEER? I don’t want another. That’s great but it also sucks.

THE GUARANTEE of a good time has gone? BUT maybe this will still be ok with dancing. I’m not giving up.

There was never a time for me when to Drink was to Die. Not in the sense of shuffling off this mortal coil.

But when I read this post back, I count several other types of death or loss.

They are not as shattering as they once were. Before There was loss of money, credit score, clothes, social decorum, expensive jackets, cars, wallets, phones, IDs, trust, bile, days, beauty, collagen, confidence, months, years.

This time the deaths were gauzy. Softer. And YES I had a hangover. A sliver of one; sluggish, drained.

I landed safely. I stopped at 1. I did not suffer or torment myself afterwards, I did not make it BAD. Absolute. Tip: when you don’t have the depression, shame and intolerance with your own behavior, it grants a powerful feeling of choice.

Preference has its own kick.

With all this said, If I had been more physically hungover, I wouldn’t have been able to fight the depression and sadness. I can’t fight 3 beers and its aftermath. Not with all the self talk, life coaching, thought models and IV drips in the world. The dopamine withdrawal is REAL and I’ll go down.

QUESTION: I had successfully lost 40 lbs or more through mindful eating, although we did not call it that in the 90s. Could I do this with drinking?

ANSWER: YES . But the thrill of Victory is muted. The Gauze.