Hi Grief, thanks for calling! I’m just gonna put you on hold for 22 years

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I talk a lot about processing feelings but Grief is its own creature. Its is a beautiful beast.

To Those of us that have picked up addictive or compulsive behavior to avoid trauma or grief:

I congratulate you. You are here. You chose life.

BINGE-ING on alcohol and food was an effective dam for avoiding the flood of grief.

Hoover Dam Night | Places to see, Places to visit, Places to travel

Now I don’t really binge on those behaviors much, so guess who’s come a knockin!

The ignored, avoided, neglected Grief of My father’s death.

It’s not waiting any longer. After 22 years, it’s summoning me.

In my experience, Grief is a Russian Doll in Reverse. It gets bigger, not smaller, as you close in on its heart.

And as pictured below, the Heart has eyelashes.

photo Russian Semenov Nesting dolls

TIP: Before you get to the Main Event of Grief, you may have to butter up the gatekeeper dragons.

The dragons that guard grief are just doing their job.

beautiful dragons pictures - YouTube

So I dropped my armor and told these Gatekeeper dragons that they were fierce and stunning. I vowed that I would follow them on social media.

I gave them my attention. I thanked them. They ate that up. They didn’t leave. But they laid down. I walked past them freely.

Then I saw Grief. She had been waiting for me in this bathtub for all that time.

And she still looked fine AF.

Art by H.Minh

As she creeped into my body, She was gentle but HEAVY. Heavier than she looked.

I saw the year 1996 when my father got diagnosed with lung cancer (non smoker) and how that set me off on a path of multi-layered addiction. I saw that I had lost faith in the God of everything at that moment. I remembered how my Binging and OVEReating stopped and my UNDER eating began. I was unable to take anything in. This was my illusion of control.

Some people may call it anorexia.

With the goth super-model of Grief still swirling inside me, I discovered that under the water of sadness, there was ANGER.

She knew that revelation was enough for today and swam out of me.

Grief told me, though not thru words, that she’d see me Tuesday.

So I continue my grieving process in my time. I write, laugh, compliment dragons. Luckily I have a lot of free time. Because I don’t think this is something you can short-cut. Do I wish I would have done this earlier? Absolutely.

I now have a standing appointment with Grief. It’s there and there is no cancelation fee. Make yours today!

10 Versions of my Higher Power. Starting with Tilda Swinton

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When I need connection with GOD or Grand. Open. Discussion.

I find the list below . Feel free to share your joie de vivre.

header image from article n The Guardian – A Bigger Splash: exclusive clip featuring Ralph Fiennes and Tilda Swinton

1) Tilda Swinton

photo credit @davidehrlich article on INDIEWIRE

2) This Poem by ee cummings

what if a much of a which of a wind
gives the truth to summer’s lie;
bloodies with dizzying leaves the sun
and yanks immortal stars awry?
Blow king to beggar and queen to seem
(blow friend to fiend: blow space to time)
— when skies are hanged and oceans drowned,
the single secret will still be man

what if a keen of a lean wind flays
screaming hills with sleet and snow:
strangles valleys by ropes of thing
and stifles forests in white ago?
Blow hope to terror; blow seeing to blind
(blow pity to envy and soul to mind)
— whose hearts are mountains, roots are trees,
it’s they shall cry hello to the spring

what if a dawn of a doom of a dream
bites this universe in two,
peels forever out of his grave
and sprinkles nowhere with me and you?
Blow soon to never and never to twice
(blow life to isn’t; blow death to was)
— all nothing’s only our hugest home;
the most who die, the more we live

3) Conan’s Star Studded Charity Song Famous Helping People Video

Famous Helping People - "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" - YouTube

4) Kate Bush

5) Gigi Hadids Childhood Home

Photography by Coldwell Banker in Architectural Digest

6) This Lavender Field

no copyright infringement intended

7) The color of the sky in “Land is the only thing that matters” scene in “Gone with the Wind”

Full video here

no copyright infringement intended

8) Nina Simone’s Cover of “Isn’t It a Pity”

AUDIO

9) The Idea (not reality) of the Stevie Nicks and Lindsay Buckingham relationship

Image Wikipedia Album Cover

10) Xanadu

ELO, rollerskates, Gene Kelly, Olivia, The Fashion, The Muses The Tone!

IM ALIVE VIDEO click here

Minus- The script and relationship

no copyright infringement intended
no copyright infringement intended
no copyright infringement intended

Benzo Bingo. I picked the wrong pandemic to kick Dolls.

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Just like Patty Duke, I need my Dolls.

The relevant definition in the Historical Dictionary of American Slang is:
Quote:
4. [said to have been coined by Jacqueline Susann in her novel Valley of the Dolls (1966); but cf. DOLLY 2a.] a tablet or capsule containing a barbiturate or occ. an amphetamine.
(my emphasis)
There is only one citation other than the novel, from a 1974 book called Mind Drugs, which just seems to be a list of drug names.

The definition of “dolly” referenced above is:
Quote:
2a. Dolophine, a trademark for a brand of methadone; a capsule containing Dolophine or an equivalent product.
The first citation for “dolly” is from a letter by W.S. Burroughs in 1954.
The relevant definition in the Historical Dictionary of American Slang is:
Quote:4. [said to have been coined by Jacqueline Susann in her novel Valley of the Dolls (1966); but cf. DOLLY 2a.] a tablet or capsule containing a barbiturate or occ. an amphetamine.

I decided to taper back up because I can’t take it anymore! Being alcohol free is still going. Im still on the Sober Curious path. I wasn’t in the league where I needed to taper of alcohol. But I admit defeat with benzodiazepine withdrawal. OR I admit Discernment. I’m picking this battle up later.

This happened because I rushed the tapering expecting some existential reward. Hello? None came.

To be clear, This is Ativan not Xanax but I would kill for some Xanax tapering stories. Or any current Opioid travels. Please feel free to share.

I had tapered down to 25% less of my usual dosage and here are some of the withdrawal symptoms:

Weeping uncontrollably when I forgot my phone – I know my normal weep quotient and this is WAY more bio chemically feeling than that.

Overwhelmed and shaky at the thought of driving 5 minutes to retrieve said phone.

An almost constant feeling of overwhelm and helplessness.

headache and facial pain including teeth.

A feeling of thickness like I’m stuffed with cotton candy. Great for Body Dsymorphia.

Pretend Sciatic pain hamstring area that goes away ( I don’t have Sciatica)

Twitching , most notably bouncing my feet to the beat of benzos

Restless Leg Syndrome

Insomnia PALOOZA like needing 5 hours in bed before I fall asleep

Compulsive loops of sharking around for mistakes or wrongness

The above may be “benzo-light” If it is then , Im light! Enough.

GOAL

Im making an appointment with a Doctor who specializes in Benzo withdrwal and going from there.

Primary Care physicians, through no fault of their own, are not versed in this fresh hell.

I found this video and the ones that follow it super helpful.

Well Doll, you won this one. But I’ll be back.

If you are someone that needs a drug treatment center, here is a link.

When Gratitude isn’t Just a step to the left. Saditude b4 Gratitude

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Some days are “tra lala lala” effortless. Some are “Are you fu@king kidding Me!?”

When dealing with the latter, I don’t fall victim to immediately gratitude journaling. I need a bridge and a guide to Kumbaya. OR a river, a creek , a balloon, whatever. I need help with the transport feeling to get me to gratitude. I can’t Time Warp or Wrinkle in time there. This bridge step is un-skippable when Im ultra agitated or sad. I cant be all like, “Presto! Silken Scarves of gratitude surround me now!”

If you are glaring at an Instagram picture of your friend holding a yoga pose and you think “I believe in Peace Bitch”. Know that :

1) Tori Amos says that same sentence in The Waitress and 2) I’m with you.

So I grant ye permission not to be grateful for 20 minutes or 20 days. You will most likely slide into home plate of grateful much more easily without the pressure. Take however long it takes to do what you need to do to move in the direction of true North/Namaste.

This bridge could be bitching , writing , feeling, scream-singing, punching, crying, cleaning, smooshing, chopping, swaying, hanging, breathing, dangling or kicking , gerund, gerund, gerund.*
It could be none of those. Who says you have to end up at a journal unless that works for you. Some call this acceptance, but to me it seems a titch more dynamic than that word.

Finally you may arrive back where it is “just a jump to the left and then a step to the right.”

*Oh!, and sleeping

Too bad you’re late. You just missed my Virtue Signal.

Virtue signalling statements are used to enhance ones standing within a social group, often without a practical application of the opinion held.

Becky Pemberton
8 Mar 2017, 22:53
Updated: 8 Mar 2017, 22:58

vir·tue sig·nal·ingnoun

  1. the action or practice of publicly expressing opinions or sentiments intended to demonstrate one’s good character or the moral correctness of one’s position on a particular issue.”it’s noticeable how often virtue signaling consists of saying you hate things”

Now doubt this phrase begins to be bandied about again. Especially the day after the black square Black out Tuesday went mostly wrong. But there are people far more educated than me about the movement and Ill leave it to them to hash it out and provide commentary.

I reflected on the number of times I or others may have used a “type” of sobriety as virtue signaling.

“Well she’s not really sober because she had THC cactus nectar” OR ” He doesnt have a sponsor so…” ” She took a bite of of a rum cordial and had to reset her date”

It is my aim in this journey that sobriety or coming back from “relapse” not become a virtue signal.

Its taken several years to fall and get up and experiment. Before , My first concern was gathering virtue validation from others and THAT being the priority. That is finally receding a now. Hence the site “Define Sober” Today I have 30 days of planned sobriety-meaning I haven’t had any alcohol. I allowed myself to drink but chose not to. I could also smoke pot If I wanted to but have not had a craving. This Sobercurious time is giving my life a sheen of curiosity in all areas. How thirst quenching this has been so far! I’m wildly curious about what strength lurks beneath these lies Ive told myself and I enjoy not having a clue about what Life will look like since so many enchanting and daunting possibilities are bubbling up.

Whether you are sober , sobercurious , Curious, Curious George , or a Cat that has been killed and then revived by Curiosity; I look forward to all of us creating a new non virtuous, trickster signal so we can recognize each other.

#3 Benzo Enchantment Day 24

I am titrating off Ativan under a Doctors plan. I took 2mg at night for sleep.

And when I say for sleep , since I don’t mix it with alcohol now, it is ostensibly for sleep . I do long for the days of the effortless, elegant Ba-Bye at 2 mg. I started out years ago (maybe 10) with a .5 mg “when needed” and have become dependent on a larger dose. Its hard to say goodbye to the wafting hush. Yes, I know there are way worse cases. I remember Janice Dickinson on “Celebrity Rehab” But this is my case. Sharing this to help with accountability.

I have titrated down from 2mg to 1.5 mg. And now, the headaches and trouble falling asleep. The spin in the head that is great for writing for not for trying to reach alpha and eventually delta brainwaves.

On this sobriety experiment (day 24) , I have not been a daily or weekly drinker so I know it’s not the alcohol withdrawal. I have no clue whether this a high or low dose of opiate. I sense myself looking for permission to have withdrawals since i have it “pretty good”

I took a Tylenol last night to eradicate the headache. Is this even worse ? The lesser of several evils?

I had been going to sleep at 9:30PM and now am not falling to sleep until 1 AM or 2 AM. I am astonished at what a difference the absence of .5 mg makes .

I will now scour the other Benzo related blogs and compare my experience, dosage, and results.

On the flip: I am meditating twice a day, exercising (dance) 2-3 times a week and am losing my sweet tooth a little.

Define Sober #1 NewcomerAgain??

I’m clear. I’d prefer to not to drink . Im 52. Female. I’ve tried AA and it worked for me ( just like drinking WORKED for me ) until it didn’t. AA was a beginning and Im still participating intermittently. I still encourage trying AA if you’ve never been sober. Its not AA or blank … for me ITs AA and blank, blank , and maybe blank for me … Im doing 30 meeting in 30 days right now because in this pandemic-ly virtual world, Its easy for me.

This first entry is ranty. Maybe future post will be solution-y

This is an anonymous slightly screaming blog to track the terrain that awaits me in the alcohol free unknown without trying to be a popular/parrot/good AA. Since 2008, Ive collected 7.5 years of sober time (but EEEEK not consecutive sober time) THIS AMOUNT OF TIME COUNTS.

I am really at odds with the idea of “losing time” or “starting over ” as a NEWCOMER after a RELAPSE/slip.

Any time I’m NOT using booze to buffer a difficult feeling or life situation , its a WIN. I don’t agree with the word relapse. I don’t agree that you have to destruct and recreate from the bottom up and tearfully admit in a pseudo humble way That you are a newcomer again if you have already lived life sober for a time. You’re NOT a fucking Newcomer. All of the gut level “knowing” and experience you gleaned up until now now now is part of the recovery trajectory, it’s not blotto’d out because you drank again. It’s cumulative. Every part of my story is needed. My relapses up until now have only enriched and enlivened my WHY for CHOOSING to move towards an alcohol free or MOSTLY (Im shooting for 87%) alcohol free rest of life. Can I navigate the world and especially a POST pandemic world without the sheen of alcohol. I want to try it. Its a game. A Badass courageous game. I’ll be happy if i get 15% more sober time under my belt by the end of the year.